“Say it to Her Face” Challenge

Apr 23, 2012

Last week I wrote how we can break the negative cycle by entering into Christ’s fruit-producing cycle. If I long for love, joy, peace, patience in my family life & my friendships, then (according to John 15) I must:

  • Abide in Him by…
  • Abiding in His love by…
  • Obeying His commands, one of which is…
  • Love one another, I can do that by…
  • SAYING IT TO HER FACE (instead of behind her back).

My tongue has gotten me into a lot of trouble. In second grade I was punished for making a girl cry because I was whispering about her to a friend…yes, I was a “mean girl”. Over the holidays I’ve frequently created or worsened tensions among family members by talking behind someone’s back (“A dishonest man spreads strife,  and a whisperer separates close friends.” Proverbs 16:28).

Honestly, I didn’t want to write this post. I didn’t want to be held accountable by friends, family and my online community. However, if I am going to be obedient and experience the fruit of the Spirit in my life, this is one area I need to be held accountable.


When interacting with others, I want to be aware of my words. Before I speak, I want to consider if it’s something I would say to her face. If I couldn’t say it to her face and she isn’t present, then I should NOT say it.


As women we all know gossip is a problem & is wrong. Read Paul’s words:

“They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Though they know God’s righteous decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.” (Romans 1:29b-32)

We know it’s wrong, yet we still do it & encourage friends to gossip. Look at the other groups mentioned along with “gossips” in this verse: “haters of God”, “inventors of evil”…ouch!

Another reason for this challenge is to set a good example for my boys. They are old enough to pay attention & listen when my husband and I talk with each other. Slander and gossip should not be a part of our conversation.


1. Pray each morning for God to “put a guard over your mouth and watch over the door of your lips (Ps 141:3)” and not allow any “unwholesome talk to come out of your mouth (Eph 4:29).”

2. Pray this again before meeting with a friend or attending a social event, spending time with family, etc.

3. Memorize this scripture:

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29

To memorize this verse I am going to write it on a card & keep it taped to my computer keyboard. I will also make the verse my wallpaper on my phone as a reminder before talking with a friend or family member.

4. When in a conversation don’t talk about ANYONE unless they are physically present. 

  • Even if she is a common friend (if we both know her still not ok to talk about her)
  • Even if I am speaking well of her (it’s a slippery slope!)
  • Even if I am just stating facts

5. Keep her confidence. If someone shares information with me, it is not my job to share it with other people.

  • Even if it’s exciting news (pregnancy, marriage, job)–> use the line: “That’s her news to tell”
  • Even if she needs prayer–> only if she wanted me to ask others to pray for her should I share a “prayer request”.
  • Even if someone asks me a question about a person not present–> I will gently direct them to that person (“You should ask her”).

6. Instead of talking about others, ask those I’m talking with these questions:

  • What is God teaching you lately?
  • What was your highlight/low light this week?
  • What specifically can I pray for you?

7. Give myself grace. 

I am going to fail in this challenge because I am sinful. Even if I fail & speak about someone who is not in my presence, I am going to give myself grace to try again in the next conversation.

Disclaimer: This is a personal conviction. It is not my intent to preach AT you or assume this is a problem for you. My hope is if you struggle with “gossip”, talking about others or keeping confidences, then you would join me in the “Say it to Her Face” challenge. 

Will you join me in this challenge?


  1. Darby Dugger

    I just found your blog tonight and it is already a favorite! Thank you for these wise words and I will certainly be joining you in the “Say it to her face” campaign. I’m also doing the “Say it to his face” campaign and only speaking highly about my husband! I do strive to be an Ephesians 4:29 wife as much as a Proverbs 31 wife! 🙂

  2. Kathryn

    Thanks you for being obiedent to God and writing this post. It is wonderful to hear God’s word on this subject matter and to be challenged in this area. I can’t wait to participate in this challenge. I, too, what to set a good example for my children, especially now that i have a little girl who loves to repeat everything her mommy says. So thankful for you Heather.

  3. Christine (@FruitNSeason)

    Excellent challenge! This has been a choice of mine for a number of years, and thought I make mistakes (you’re right about the slippery slope), I try to always listen to the Spirit’s leading and trust my gut when a conversation turns uncomfortable. In particular my mother is horrible in the gossip area and she has actually gotten very offended when I have said, “I am not comfortable talking about her with you. This conversation has turned negative.” I have had to do that a number of times and she has then told me that she feels like she can’t talk to me about anything. 😛 Anyway, I support this challenge and look forward to hearing about how it helps you and others! I’m in.

  4. Christella

    This is such a great challenge. It inspired me to write a blog post on the topic too. I hyperlinked to yours… hope you don’t mind!


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