I decided to pay $40 at Walgreens for a little "Intelligender" test that would tell me the gender of our 4th child (at 14 weeks gestation...6 wks early!). I told people that I don't care if we have a boy or a girl. That it would be fun to be a family of 4 boys. My true feelings were revealed when I saw the following...
Devastated. Uncontrollable sobbing. Feeling sorry for myself. Going through the list of "nevers"..."never paint my daughter's toenails", "never braid her hair", "never play dolls", "never have a tea party".
My faith in what God has for me failed. I had just written a post about "calling". Here I was feeling sad because I didn't want my what God may be calling me to be...the mother of all boys.
I forgot that God had provided 3 beautiful, healthy, smart, fun & outgoing boys. Despite the gifts. Despite the miracles. I did not trust Him.
Then I read the story of Elijah (1 Kings 18) in which he had witnessed a miracle. He called on God to bring fire down from heaven, on an altar drenched with water. Not only did fire appear, it consumed the sacrifice, the altar, the water. This miracle was done in the presence of 850 false prophets (whose gods had failed the task) and other Israelites. "When all the people saw this, they fell prostrate and cried, 'The LORD—he is God! The LORD—he is God!'" (1 Kings 18:39).
You would think after a "wow God" moment his faith would be GIGANTIC!
Yet "Elijah was afraid & ran for his life." (1 Kings 19:3). He had just had the 850 prophets killed and Jezebel was so mad she wanted to kill Elijah.
Elijah ran to the wilderness (desert), sat under a small "tree", prayed to die, and said, “I have had enough, LORD, take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” (vs 5).
Although Elijah's faith had failed...God's loving & gracious nature presented itself.
- an angel to wake him & give him food.
- direction to go.
- a cave for rest
Yet Elijah's faith failed again. When asked by God why he was hiding in the cave, Elijah replied, “I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.” (vs 10).
God provided again:
- His presence passes...not in the earthquake, or fire, but in a gentle whisper.
Yet Elijah's faith failed again...he repeats the same self-pity speech from vs. 10...been zealous. been rejected. on the run for my life.
God provided again:
I may be greatly upset with my calling to be a mom of 4 boys, just like Elijah struggled with his calling to be the one prophet who was not heard.
My faith may have failed at the prospect of difficulty and at the loss of a dream. Elijah's faith failed after his efforts resulted in death threats.
But God's faith in me does NOT fail.
God has given me soooooo much. He has proven faithful. He has provided in so many ways.
God will provide a way.
God will provide sustenance and satisfaction.
God will provide a gentle whisper of His presence in the midst of my chaos.
God will give me rest when my soul is weary.
God will provide...just like He has provided.
I will learn to trust Him...even when my faith fails.
What calling are you struggling to accept? In what area of your life has your faith failed? Join me in remembering God's provision in the past and praying for peace while remembering He will provide for our future.
linking up with "Joy in the Journey"...Life:Unmasked
*I realize now that Intelligender test is not 100% accurate (my faith in the test has failed). I do feel it's results have helped me work through my true feelings prior to the arrival of a precious addition to our family.
**I also realize that just because I may not have a daughter does not mean I won't be able to experience fun memories with future daughter-in-laws, nieces, and granddaughters.